


to be loved is to be seen

by deepwater_swimmer



Series: Adoration is letting love consume you [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Cursed Child - Thorne & Rowling
Genre: Albus Severus Potter is also a Good Sibling, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, But in the end, Character Study, Child Neglect, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Ginny Weasley is also a bad parent, Harry Potter is a bad parent, James Sirius & Albus Severus have a dysfunctional relationship, James Sirius Potter Centric, James Sirius Potter is a Good Sibling, James Sirius is extremely insecure, Other, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Acceptance, Self-Discovery, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-21
Updated: 2020-09-21
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:20:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26554981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deepwater_swimmer/pseuds/deepwater_swimmer
Summary: All James had ever wanted was to be a good kid, mainly because those kids are usually the ones people pay attention to. Jealously isn't a trait from good kids, but it was also never a choice for him, only a result of begging to be noticed his entire life.James wonders if anyone will ever truly see him one day.
Relationships: Albus Severus Potter & Harry Potter & James Sirius Potter & Lily Luna Potter & Ginny Weasley, Albus Severus Potter & James Sirius Potter, Harry Potter/Ginny Weasley, James Sirius Potter & Original Character(s), Only mentioned -, Scorpius Malfoy/Albus Severus Potter
Series: Adoration is letting love consume you [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1738819
Comments: 6
Kudos: 32





	to be loved is to be seen

**Author's Note:**

> Hello guys! So my plan was to post Draco's story first, I even started it one week after I published 'made to be loved', yet I got stuck on the writing and this one had been on my mind lately (even though I had it planned it so months before) and it worked out yesterday so here it is. 
> 
> This one follows 2nd timeline James, the one we met at the 1st work of this series. I hope you guys like it as much as me and my beta reader do!

James would never be proud of his jealousy.

It was never his choice to be like this, it was just something that showed up one time and embedded itself into every part of his system. Yet, maybe jealousy wouldn't be the best way to put it, he just liked being the center of attention. He craved it. 

Don't mind him, he knows what arrogance is and it's far from his case. He doesn't know how to put in words, but his desire for engagement has nothing to do with arrogance.

He had taught himself to attract attraction since Albus was born. He loved his baby brother, he really did, he just loathed that no one remembered him once a replica of his father was born. Though, that was something normal, wasn't it? For a little kid to feel outshined by a new baby, they grow out of it with time. 

James never did so. The problem was not even the adults did. Every single time, people would hover over Albus, fascinated by how much he resembled his father. 

James never meant to feel jealous, yet, who wouldn't? No ebony locks that won't stay put for anything, no green eyes that shine like piercing emeralds, no olive skin that stays warm through the coldest days. James was just simple, ordinary James. It came to such a point, he started doubting his own existence. After all, how could he be real and just never be seen by anyone?

One day, he decided to start making up for his looks with personality. Essentially, if he was this shinny, loud, ball of joy and humour people would pay attention, right? They would see him, right? 

So he learned everything he thought it would put him on the spotlight. He mastered quidditch (as much as an 8 years old could) so people could be proud. He learned how to make jokes, good ones, at an impressive early age so that he could make people laugh. At the seemingly success, he decided to grow some confidence, because that came with loudness, right? Maybe loud enough for people to hear him?

It was easy for him to lose control over these things. As he grew even more, those traits overflew him and he easily passed as an arrogant, as a jerk, as a cocky teenage boy. He never meant to be any of these things, he was just tired of being invisible and after all, here he was, choking into a river of preconceptions.

Now, James wasn't the only one trying to escape a suffocating burden. Him and Albus were deemed into being the two sides of the same coin and when he realised, Albus was just one more of the so many that hated his social persona (James hated it himself).

He never planned to treat his brother badly, but with him wanting to be seen and Albus longing to be left alone they just naturally drifted apart. It was never James's intention, still it came to a point they were practically strangers to one another. 

His problem was always the attention of adults. James was a good brother, had been one at least. Albus used to like him despite his big brotherish annoyance. James was pretty sure Lily saw him like a hero or something. They liked him. They trusted him. They loved him. They don't anymore. James isn't sure there is anything left to love.

He gets why Albus grew up to wear that family persona. James can't imagine how exhausting the obsession over him must have been. 

It shouldn't make sense, but it does. Albus shifted into this hostile, bitter, closeted person. You see, adults only want nice kids, kids they can put on pretty portraits, kids they can show off to others, kids they can proclaim: "See how my child is just so much better than your unpleasant one?" That way, Albus grew up to be exactly that unpleasant child to see if their parents would finally stop showing him off. To see if their parents would finally see him as a human being rather than a trophy. And James guessed it worked, their parents mastered the ability of ignoring Albus, hiding him from everyone. James is pretty sure they avoided acknowledging him so much they forgot he was still there.

Albus was just like James now, both invisible in their true selves.

The thing is that Albus had one person he could always be himself with. James didn't mean to be jealous of that, but he was. There has been this humongous part of him begging to be seen for so long and it doesn't matter how much it screams, it never makes a noise. Good kids don't make noises. Still, it holds onto this hope that one day it will be heard, that one day someone will reach out and James' façade will crumble to pieces with a single touch. It holds onto this hope that one day he will be loved enough to be seen. 

Yet, James thinks that, at some point, he forgot who he was and that was probably the reason why he didn't connect with anyone anymore. How can you connect with something when you don't know what's there to connect? When it's probably hollow shell by now?

The first time he heard someone hated him, he cried himself to sleep, as pathetic as it sounds. At first, he hadn't known why the opinion of a stranger mattered so much, but as he laid down on is bed, tears tracks still going strong, he thought about it. Since the first time he had a notion of self, he worked his ass off to be a good person. Everything he ever did on constructing himself was aimed to be liked. So hearing that someone, who had never even talked to him, hated him felt like the greatest failure possible. This wasn't just apathy, it was hatred. James couldn't help but feel as if all his efforts had served no purpose. He remembers imprinting into his mind that the only possible answer was that everyone secretly hated him and that the only reason people even interacted with him was to be nice themselves. 

After that, he hardly ever cried, because after all, good kids don't cry. That's why when he and Albus find Scorpius, he allows himself a little shed out in the open and not in the lonely misery of his own room, because that's his little brother and he was loved for whom he was. The healing that comes after doesn't restrict itself to Scorpius, it also fully embraces James and Albus's relationship.

However, James' last year in Hogwarts arrives and the remaining many fractured bits of himself continue to wail what's left of him. Winning the Quidditch Cup doesn't heal the wounds. Having his first kiss (one he couldn't care less, with someone he couldn't care less) doesn't heal them. Dancing through the ball room with his mother doesn't heal them. Accepting an arranged job for an arranged life by his father doesn't heal them.

Moving out is the first thing that feels like healing since Albus. Sneaking out for chips in the middle of the night with Teddy does mend some bits of him. Helping Lily with her left side catches mends some others. Hanging out at the Malfoy Manor with Albus and Scorpius did an incredible job on keeping those mended.

Then, one day, walking through Diagon Alley during his insufferable job's break, he meets someone. James didn't know he could ever feel as he did upon meeting them, getting to know them. At that point, he had rarely ever seen his parents since moving out. He knows he isn't a kid anymore, but not feeling one bit pressured into being a good kid comes from another (healthier) place. James hasn't felt jealousy in ages and his first true friend eases the pressure from seeking attention even more.

It's impressive how quickly they turn James' days into a journey of discovery. He could feel belittled by how small his discoveries are, he isn't anywhere near his father's journeys, yet there is something about them that makes him feel anything but little. It's only after them that he discovers the tiny pawnshop a quarter from his job that has the book he has wanted his entire life. It's only after them that he finally tries an ice cream flavour other than the only one he had always eaten. It's only after them he allows himself to stand up for himself, retribute the rudeness from his boss and quit. It's only after them he puts his favourite music at full volume and dances the night away by their side. It's only after them he cries openly watching a silly movie that somehow still managed to kill a dog. It's only after them he realises how much he cares about healing, not only his own but others as well. It's only after them he gets to know who he is.

They take him on a trip around the northern coast. For maybe the first time in his life, he thoroughly enjoys his days. James has his eyes closed as he hears the ocean when he feels them resting their chin where their hands had been before. The silence sustains itself for a while and out of nowhere, they say. "Scream."

James lets out a laugh and softly turns to them, being met with an unusual solemnity in their eyes. "What?"

"Let out everything that you've been holding back." His gaze leaves them and goes back to the sea, an unknown feeling blurring out his vision. "Let yourself feel what you are feeling, James."

It takes him a second to finally do something. He stands up in an impetus, hands now being held by them. James overlooks the sea and screams. Screams. Screams. For a moment, he thinks he will never stop. For a moment, he remembers he has been screaming this whole time, just no one ever realised it. For a moment, he can hear his voice, loud and clear. For a moment, he knows he is here. He is seen for the first time in his life. He had always longed to be seen for what he really is and he finally feels like so. It's exhilarating. It's liberating.

The dangerous thing about love is when you don't know how to love someone. James' parents never did know how to love their kids and as a result they unlearned how to love Harry and Ginny. It took time, but James slowly relearned how to love and now as he lays himself open to someone, he realises they know how to love him. 

For some people, love is a certainty. They are destined to love and be loved. That used to be what James thought. Now, being beside them, he realises that isn't the case. People aren't destined to love and be loved because they are soulmates, but because they are human. Every human is destined for love, because that's part of humanity itself. James sees as if the thing about soulmates is that they are destined for one person, they have the certainty of love from one specific person. Love for him isn't a certainty, it's a choice. Right now, he chooses to be loved.

**Author's Note:**

> So this one came from the concept that Albus isn't entirely at fault of his bad relationship with 2nd timeline Harry and Ginny, but rather that they are quite shitty parents. James especially brings a different result of their parents' neglect and maybe even downright abuse. 
> 
> 'to be loved is to be seen' is one of my favourite works so far since it gave me a quite unique version of James I had never thought of. 
> 
> I hope you guys liked it, comments are extremely appreciated! My tumblr is @deepend-swimmer if you want to say something there.
> 
> Stay safe and hydrated!


End file.
